Relationship Issues
By: Matthew W. Gelber MS MFT
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Each person enters a relationship with a past history, a different set of family values or rules. While one person can easily articulate his wants and needs, another may hesitate to even touch or hug, let alone tell another how he or she feels. When individuals do not communicate with each other, either verbally or physically, both parties suffer the consequences.
Dear Matt:
In 2004, we lost our 22-year-old son in a car accident. Ever since then, I comfort eat, but never find the comfort I’m looking for. I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and clinical depression, so no longer am able to work. I tried going back to school, but soon lost interest. Food is my only true companion, and is always there for me, unlike my husband who has immersed himself in his work. I don’t like myself so how can I expect my husband to want to be with me. G. In Bala Cynwyd
Both you and your husband have suffered a terrible loss. You lose control of your life when you are so traumatized. The one reference you make to your husband suggests his everyday absences feel like abandonment. This may be the biggest source of continuing pain: just when you need to lean on each other, your husband isn’t there emotionally for you. But in a sense, neither are you there for him. You are seeking relief by eating, he, by working. You and your husband need to make decisions about your life together. Your illnesses mean you are not the partner that he once counted on. He may feel you are too emotionally fragile, already suffering enough, for him to unburden himself to you. You should ask yourselves, “What can we do together that will put some pleasure back in our life?”. I believe in individual happiness, meaning that each of you needs to find the true meaning of happiness in your own lives, so that you can function together as a couple again. Once you do that, your life as a couple will be closer and happier. If you can, you both need to work with a counselor to take back control of your life together.
Dear Matt:
I am 26 and have been emotionally connected to a man since we were both teenagers in high school. We’ve kept in touch through the years, just friendly phone calls and e-mails, but have not pursued a real relationship because of circumstances in our lives. We live in different cities. I live here in PA and he is out West, have both been married to others and are now both divorced for a few years. When we talk I think that those feelings are still there, just below the surface. Is this a relationship worth pursuing or am I dreaming? L. In Exton
If you really are “just friends” now, having a good friend, whether near or far, is a good thing. But if this long distance relationship is something more, now that you are both available, any feelings certainly need to be explored. But sometimes, an old relationship can look particularly appealing, especially since you have been single for a while. Finding a new partner requires effort and emotional risk, while an old friendship may seem cozy and comfortable. Ask yourself if this is just a long distance flirtation based on fantasy, or is this really a relationship that you would like to pursue? If “out of sight, out of mind” is the theme of this relationship, be friends but seek a relationship that is realistic and can work for you.
Dear Matt:
We have been married for a year. How can I get my husband to think sexy? When we do have sex, it’s great. Here is the issue. We’ll agree to share a drink and intimacy, he’ll pour the drinks, suddenly notice the dishes are dirty and needs to wash them before coming back for the drinks. It really breaks the mood for me and makes me question his interest in me. Any suggestions? R. In Rosemont
A good man who cleans up after dinner is really hard to find. I know that is not the answer you are looking for, though. It is possible that he just might have a strong need to have things in order before he relaxes. Many women feel this way; he might, too. If he is easily distracted or obsessively neat, then other issues are at play. This may have absolutely nothing to do with you or his feelings about sex. Talk to him about your concerns. The most important detail is that when you finally have his undivided attention, you have a great time. Don’t take his lack of focus personally. There are many women who would be thrilled to be able to say that sex with their husbands is great, despite the side trip to the dishwasher.
©Copyright 2008 by Matthew W. Gelber. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry.
Click here to contact Matthew and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile